prayers and perspective

(this photo was taken the evening of our update.)

we got an update this week. it was a shocker. we weren't expecting to receive anything, so when i saw the email from my adoption agency titled "update" i was a little confused. as i opened it my first thought was, wow Eastern really is going to be giving more updates.

then i read the first paragraph. something was found at his last well baby check up that was important enough for them to have us notified. what i read made my stomach drop and i started to panic. i quickly did an internet reference check and read about several worst case scenario. i called brian in a panic and left work early as i could no longer concentrate on anything else.

when i got home we spent more time doing some research. we found some things on the internet that were somewhat reassuring. the physical indicator that he has can be normal, but is very rare and can be a major red flag. i was still thinking worst case scenario, but brian was beginning to feel better after learning that up to 12% of koreans supposedly have this.

i was pretty devastated the whole day and night, but had a glimmer of hope. over the next couple of days i read some things in korean adoption forums that made me feel somewhat better. i contacted our good friend who is a physician expecting that she would be worried as well, but surprisingly she said she wasn't concerned... and in fact her dad (asian as well) has the same physical characteristic. that made me feel a ton better. she also forwarded the latest medical report to her friend who is a pediatrician (who was one of the two physicians who reviewed max's initial paperwork), and crazy enough, he has the characteristic too!

i haven't shared details with anyone but my family and my friend above. i know my family has been praying since they found out. i believe it is these prayers that have given brian and i the outlook that everything is going to be just fine. maybe even these prayers helped to orchestrate the crazy coincidence that both my friend's dad and her pediatrician friend have the same thing as our boy.

i have to admit that for a day or two i was in a bad place. i did have a couple of breakdowns. i also questioned whether God even wanted us to adopt and/or if he was involved at all. i know that's horrible, but that's how i was feeling.

i have to believe that it was no coincidence that we were matched with max. there are so many things that had to line up for it to happen. i may post about those details sometime, but it includes me relentlessly trying to switch to ethiopia and then almost to china. if certain things weren't timed exactly the way they occurred, i might not have felt so certain that God was in charge of this match.

anyways, if anyone is reading this please pray for our little max. please pray that his test results come up good. please pray that his birth mother's history was accurate. we will be making an appointment with an international adoption pediatrician soon, so please pray that this goes well.

i told my social worker that this situation has given me new perspective. if everything turns out ok for him i will be so happy and thankful that i won't ever complain again about the long wait for him to come home. well... i probably will still complain a bit, but the wait time seems so insignificant in light of what we were thinking for a couple of days. while this road bump had me feeling shattered, if we get through the testing etc. i will feel such a new appreciation as we wait for our son. i'm already feeling like a much more thankful and joyful person since i went from feeling hopeless and helpless to now feeling hope and peace.

taking advantage of the sun

after being sick for nearly three weeks, i am finally feeling almost back to normal. it's been a tough few weeks for several reasons. 1.) we found out difficult news about the adoption. 2.) i've had a lingering respiratory/flu thing. 3.) we've had lots of rain and gray skies. 4.) because of #2 and #3 i haven't been able to exercise much and/or enjoy the outdoors... which is never good for my mood.

BUT we had sun this weekend AND i've only had to use a few kleenex! so things are definitely looking up. on the adoption front, i learned that it looks like we can send Max a care package each month which also brightened my outlook a bit.

on saturday brian and i headed over to macIntosh lake to do the 3.5 mile loop around the lake that we commonly do. we decided to park at the farm museum as brian loves to pet the animals. he pet the goats, a sheep and a calf. he couldn't get the pig to come up to him. last time we were there he lured them over with jolly ranchers (don't tell anyone.) i personally am not that into farm animals, but i'm glad that brian enjoys it. brian will be a great playmate for max when he comes home and we both look forward to showing him all of our fun spots!

we commented about how FAT these cows look compared to the cows we commonly saw in ethiopia.

American cows...

Ethiopian cow...

today michelle and i had big plans to hike in lyons the 9.6 mile loop to check out the cabin at hall ranch. we actually tried one other time, but thought it was only a six mile loop and didn't find it (since we didn't go far enough).

this time we were smart and took a picture of the map.

the hike was very pleasant. we had great conversation and enjoyed the mild weather. there were tons of mountain bikers who passed us and everyone was friendly and greeted us.

we were posing like we're cool or something...

after about 5 miles, we caught a glimpse of the cabin! we checked it out, took a few pictures and headed down the trail.

on our hike down we saw a ton of deer. we also saw a wild turkey, some cool birds and a rabbit. we were pretty close to the deer and took a clementine eating break and relaxed as we watched the deer watch us. it was serene and beautiful.

we also enjoyed some nice views of the top of long's peak

by the time we finally got back to the car, we were hungry and our feet were aching. we arrived back to our house and chowed on some homemade soup that brian had prepared. it was a good day.

precious seoul

I finally changed my blog settings to make this blog a bit more private... so that I can share my baby's precious little face! Isn't he so sweet? Oh, and we finally decided on an American first name... Max. He is being named after Brian's grandfather. We will call him Max InChan Arnold. I had been contemplating a couple of other names for my choices, but I have to admit that the name Max grew on me, and now I think that he totally looks like a Max InChan. I can't wait until he is here running around our (and his) house.

These pictures were taken April 18th when our agency went to visit him in Seoul, South Korea. He had just turned 7 months old. Here, his foster mother is showing him a picture of his mommy and daddy who are anxiously waiting for him in America.

we were also fortunate enough to have received a video of this special time where he received a care package from us. out of all the toys they threw his way, he seemed by far the most interested in this picture. in the video you can see that he holds onto the picture with both hands and brings it close to his face. he only let go of it after his foster mother pulled it away so that they could practice his ability to sit up on his own and to do an "army crawl."

i think i mentioned in a past post, that i am so thankful that the foster mom showed him our picture and explained to him who brian and i are to him (omma and appa). i hope/pray that she continues to share this with him so that he gets some sense of who we are.

i have to admit that it's been a really difficult couple of weeks for me since we learned that we won't be able to bring him home for such a long time. we've had lots of rain the past couple of weeks which hasn't helped my mood much either. this morning as i was driving to work, i was reminded that behind the clouds and fog are the beautiful mountains. while the rain is here temporarily, it won't be long before the sun is shining again. and while the rain is cold and gloomy, it makes for beautiful green mountainsides.

so even though this period of waiting for Max is long, difficult and seems gray, i know that in the end we will be a family and will be thankful for all we have been given.

emotional rollercoaster

so our baby is 8 months old today. brian and i went to the pearl street mall in boulder tonight and i saw lots of mom's with babies. i was trying to determine which ones might be around the same age/size as ours. it makes me very sad that i will never actually hold our baby while he is a baby.

when we began the adoption process for south korea, we were told that we would likely bring home a child who is 14 months old. this was a bit difficult for me to warm up to as i know the first year of life is so important for bonding/attachment etc.

one week ago we received news from our agency announcing that the korean government had reached their quota for international adoption very, very early this year. unfortunately all families who have received referrals between december 2010 and now will not be able to travel to get their babies this year. this was shocking that they ran out so early. since december 2010 referrals won't be submitted for travel until january 2012 and it takes 4-8 weeks before travel can occur, it is now estimated that we won't be able to pick up our baby until May/June of 2012.

this devastates me. so instead of waiting 8 months from referral to travel, we will now be waiting 14 months. instead of bringing our baby home at 14 months old, we will be bringing him home at 20 months old. and that's if everything goes as predicted. my biggest fear is that the quota will be reached earlier than anticipated again next year (it decreases by 10% each year) and we would get pushed into 2013. that is not likely, but i can't help but think of it.

needless to say, i've been pretty depressed this past week. i had been so excited and was starting to feel like a mom and then it seemed like everything was taken from me. i hate uncertainty and not having control. i hate that there is nothing we can do to change matters, and that quite possibly our only child is being raised in a foster home for almost the first 2 years of his life while we are here wishing that he was home with us.

i had a conversation with a friend tonight that was enlightening and gave me my first sense of peace since this announcement last week. my friend is currently 6 months pregnant. she told me that there might be a health concern with her baby, but they won't know until she delivers. she told me that while this health concern makes her nervous, that as she was praying about it she realized that her being pregnant is not about her. it's about the baby. and God gave her (and her husband) this baby. if her baby ends up having special needs she will embrace it and know that God saw her and her husband fit to be given a baby with special needs.

as she was talking it helped me to see our situation for what it is. us having to wait longer to bring home our child shouldn't only be about us. God is in control and if he ordains that we receive our child when he is 2 years old or 3 years old, then we should embrace the fact that we are being given a child. we don't always see the whole picture, but there might be a bigger reason for the wait. i know that i have to believe that God is in control and that His timing is perfect. while this is something i've been saying all along, it made it more believable when i talked with a friend who truly seems to be living out her faith. i am very thankful for the conversation we had tonight.

in love

i'm in love. with a little 7 month old baby. who is our son. today i finally got the email from our adoption agency saying that our pictures and video were ready. i immediately called brian and told him "go to AAC and get the pictures of my baby!" he said, "don't you mean OUR baby?" well of course. :)

i got the email at about 2pm and had already made plans to go for a 2.5 hour hike with my friend Jeanne. brian said there was no way he was going to wait for me to look at the pictures. that's ok, i suppose, as i didn't wait for him to look at our referral pictures. i totally get it.

so as Jeanne and i were walking toward Mt. Sanitas to begin our hike, i called brian to see if he had looked yet. he had. he informed me that in the video the baby looked "engaged" and was responding well to the people around him. he said they showed him the picture of brian and me and that the baby held it and stared at it and even tried to kiss it. how SWEET! he said it looks like he had gained weight (yay) and had more hair (yay again.) i asked him if the baby was wearing pink... and he replied that, yes, he was wearing pink pants... sigh! : )

brian had plans to meet some friends at the climbing gym at 6pm and i was contemplating joining them. i told brian to bring the computer with him so that i wouldn't have to wait even longer to see the updated pics of our son.

so at 6pm brian met me in the parking lot and sat with me in the car while i scrolled through the pictures and then watched the 7 minute video. it was a surreal moment. the first couple of pictures were from the side... when i saw the first head on photo, my heart jumped. he is so darn cute. his eyes are HUGE. his lips are round. and yes, he was wearing pink pants.

brian seemed really excited to share this moment with me. and he was right, the baby was very interested in our pictures. tears formed in my eyes when i saw him grab the pictures and hold them close. and i downright started crying when i heard his korean foster mom say over and over this is your umma and appa (mom and dad). i didn't notice her saying that until maybe the fourth time i watched the video. yes, i have to admit i've already lost count of how many times i watched it. it seems like each time i watch, i notice more things. i won't bore you with the details of all of my observations now... i'll save that for my next post!

so excited!

i found out tonight that our agency was indeed able to get pictures of our little guy! and video! they are in the process of downloading everything to DVD's and we will hopefully have them by the end of the week. i'm so excited!!!

easter wrap up

today ended up being a great day. brian and i woke up early and made 4 loaves of banana bread. nina came over and the three of us went to church. when we got back michelle came over and we feasted on easter brunch. my breakfast casserole was mighty delicious if i do say so for myself. brian entertained us by putting a peep in the microwave and showing us how it inflates.

nina had to leave fairly early, but michelle taught brian and me how to play spaids... and let's just say that i'm a natural. : ) brian was cracking me up, because he was totally losing the ENTIRE time. later in the afternoon, michelle and i went to macintosh lake and walked the 3.5 mile trail around the lake. we had a nice talk and enjoyed being outside and getting some exercise. we came back home and ate the rest of the casserole and some chocolates (so much for the calories we burned on our walk).

after michelle left, i spent some time working on my photo album for our ethiopia photos. yesterday i had over 200 printed. it took me several hours to get them organized and placed in the photo album. the next step will be to write notes next to each photo. i would like to have made a nice scrapbook of the trip, but that would probably take me years considering i still haven't finished my wedding scrapbook (and we're going on 10 years of marriage.)

so i got all the photos in the album along with a few of our house and of baby InChan. i will share these with my family when i go home in 9 days. there is room for 6 more pictures in the album and i am HOPING that we will receive some updated pictures of the baby this week!